Every Day

Scar scar,
Smooth, cool, cold,
Empty, lonely, alone,
Speaking lines of nothing,
Always on my own,
Driving nowhere,
Never finding home.

- broken_optimist

Skills

1.  Half Dome

My Boyscout troop was going on their annual trip to Yosemite National Park for a long day hike backpacking, staying over night in a little valley, and hiking up Half Dome the following day.  The previous year I had gone but had not climbed Half Dome.  I was a little bit nervous because of my fear of heights.  I had to pack all of my stuff (sleeping bag, tent, food, clothes, utensils…) and keep my pack light enough so that I would be able to complete the hike without having too much weighing down on me.  Part of the reason I was going was because a lot of my “friends” were going as well.  I don’t think I truly anticipated the problem I have with heights until I was almost to Half Dome, but I do remember being a bit scared.  I was almost frozen when I actually started climbing… the incline being unbearably steep.  It was almost an out of body experience, because I could hear myself saying.  “Oh my God.  I can’t do this.”  I was terrified.  But because I had made it this far and I knew it was possible, I started up.  Looking at the long drop offs was intimidating and scary as hell.  I did make it to the top and I consider it to be a big accomplishment, for I conquered a fear of mine.  Also, my adrenaline was pumped up to the point where my head was going to burst, giving me a rush I won’t forget.  That is probably why I always look to that hike as such an incredible experience.  When I went back to climb it again, 9 years later, I anticipated the phobia seeping back through, but it didn’t.  I was a little nervous, but it was the actual physical hike that was more difficult than the mental task of focusing before and during the climb.  Since then I have also jumped out of a plane, with very little fear.  I am very capable of controlling my emotions and fears now.  I just haven’t put them completely into action.

analysis later…

New Zealand day 3…

After staying up until 1 or so talking to the beautiful and silly Leigh, I had to get up at 6 am, like everyone else, so we could head south through Auckland to pick up more Contikers, and then continue on to Waitomo to see the glow worm caves. 

On the drive south, I stared out the window most of the time, watching the greenery pass me by, mostly rainforest, which was very beautiful in the misty morning.  We made our stop for lunch at Auckland where I went to a Westfield Mall (there was nothing too exciting in the city) with Leigh, Vickie, and Melissa.  I felt a bit like I was following them around, but they seemed to like me okay.  Then we jumped back on the bus, and headed to Waitomo.  On the ride, Cathy let everyone know about the previous night’s occurrences including Vickie having a dishwasher (a potent drink that you swish around in your mouth and has bite to it).  Vickie claims she only burped, but her burp had follow through.  She was apparently the first person to throw up in the bar.  What an honor.

Once we got there, we got our rooms.  I was with Justin, a really nice guy from the UK, and two new people: Scott, the dairy farmer with anger problems, and Todd, a young teacher who was in a teaching program in Australia.  I misjudged Todd as a cocky guy, but in reality he was very genuine and cool. 

I went on the general tour of the caves, instead of black water rafting which was climbing through the water and the caves in a wet suit.  Going through the caves in a little boat, while everyone was dead silent was very relaxing.  Above us were thousands of tiny blue lights, like alien stars in a far away sky, and all I could hear was the water dripping from the stalactites. 

Afterwards I hung out with Claire, Todd, and an aussie girl, who’s name I can’t recall.  We ended up swinging (on swings, not wife swapping), and just being weird while the sun set. 

I went to the only pub in the tiny tiny town (made up of two hotels, a couple of stores, and several houses) to meet a few new people including Allison and Wendy from Seattle, who reminded me of the two radio women from SNL, who have really monotone voices and finish each other’s sentences.  There was also Louise, the 30-something shy nurse from Western Australia, who had never had a drink in her life (that changed in a hurry).  After having pizza for dinner, we convened back at the pub.  It was obnoxiously loud inside, so I went outside where some people were talking.  The three girls made their way over and I talked to them the whole night.  Another very enjoyable evening, that could have been boring, had I been stuck hanging out with the drunks, not that they aren’t nice people…  It’s just not that fun hanging out with drunk people.  Anyway, we talked about all kinds of things, and I was feeling even more comfortable with all three of them, especially Leigh, which is strange for me considering I’m usually very shy.  In fact, the previous nights when we talked was even more unusual because I rarely take the extra step to meet people.  I think it’s because she jumped in the conversation and asked me a question that made it easy.  There I go overanalyzing again… 

more soon…

I haven’t written much in a long time for xanga because most of my thoughts and feelings are being expressed directly to someone.  I didn’t think anything would be too personal for me to write on here, but some of it is.  And that’s a good thing.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t share some of it, and that doesn’t mean that I can’t continue to write about other things.  It’s just that it takes time to write.  I intend to finish writing about my New Zealand trip (hopefully I still remember most of it), within the next two weeks, before Leigh gets here.  That means a lot more writing to get done… starting today.  Unless I meet with Lindsey tonight, because I haven’t really talked to her in quite a while. 

Other things I need to get off my chest about career changes, school, and fears, I will also attempt to write about, and hopefully learn about. 

I don’t need to write too much about the beautiful aussie girl, because it’s all written down in my mind, and it’s very clear.  Out of everything in the world, she is all that I see clearly.  And the details will  be focused and sharpened even more so when I see her in 15 days.  When I think of her, I have a sense of pure happiness and excitement that is so difficult to describe…

I am relieved.  I can now put my mind to other, much more fun, things.

Today I find out what’s going on.  I’m  hoping I will be very relieved in 3 hours.

9 days

Something inside of me isn’t quite right,
Wishing, hoping it’s only paranoia, despite
My instincts screaming that I’m not alright.

Did she lie or was it just a bad day?
Did she hesitate because there was more to say?
It doesn’t really matter; I have to wait either way.

I will deny it until proven true
Or like a vampire it will drain my life away.

Survived the pigs once again…

Keep marching, pigs.

From the official Nine Inch Nails web site:

www.nin.com

Inevitable

How do you stop yourself 
From getting hurt
When you can sense the pain
Coming from a mile away?

You feel the storm coming,      
And you can see
The trees of ice falling,
Tumbling from the sky,
To the open field
Of slicing crystals crawling,
While caught in this purgatory, 
Craving the taste of passion,
You are only really stalling.

- broken_optimist