Last night I found out that she really is considering moving here. It made my day. I haven’t felt this hopeful about anything in a long time. There is no guarantee about anything, but she is planning on visiting for two weeks this summer to see if she likes it here. I couldn’t ask for anything more. All I really want is to know one way or the other.
Today, I am motivated. I want to feel this way every day of my life.
Still keeping track of dreams. I made the mistake of eating chocolate late last night, which induced nightmares. Chocolate always does that to me. The dream was incredibly vivid…
It involved a spaceship, a man-eating plant, light sabers, Tom from work and his friend John, but the worst part involved Leigh. She was fucking this guy, and of course i had to see some of it. Afterwards, she promised she would never cheat on me again, and that it didn’t mean anything, and all i could think was: “Technically, we aren’t even together.” It brought up all that shit from the past, but that’s not why it bothered me. What really bothered me is that it made me realize something. If this doesn’t work, which it doesn’t look like it will, she will find someone else. And when she does, it’s going to hurt. A lot. It would be fine if I knew we weren’t compatible, but with distance (and money) being the only obstacle, it really fucking sucks. I don’t regret anything, but I wonder why.
I feel so alone.
New Zealand, day 2 continued…
After the cruise on the Bay of Islands, and a walk on one of the islands, I was back in the main town Paihia, which means “smashed food”. It was named after a brit who was trying to use the Maori language, but ended up butchering it. Back then there was no written Maori language. It was only spoken and represented by symbols.
Once I got back into town, I bought a few souvenirs, and headed back to meet up with everyone else for dinner. Some of us went to a seafood place and had some fish n’ chips, and pretty much everyone else went to a pizza place (little did they know we were all going to have pizza the next night too). We then ended up at a bar that had karaoke, but left because we were kind of stuffed outside in a corner. We checked out the Piki Patch, which was pretty crowded, so we went back the way we had come. Most of us stayed at a little bar which we had met at before dinner.
Leigh and I were eye to eye the entire night. We talked about everything. We talked about life, family, our sense of humor, Lord of the Rings (yeah, she’s a nerd too), you name it. I remember thinking, as she was talking to me, how comfortable I was with her. People were waving their hands in front of our faces to get our attention, but we just ignored them. We were lost in each other. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that with someone I have known for such a short amount of time. I will never forget that.
Lucid dreaming is on the mind. I’ve started a dream journal which I’ve been writing in when I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m hoping to get some clarity on the current situation. However, i don’t know if that’s going to happen… plus, i don’t know if it will help when the problem isn’t so much about what I want to do, as much as what is possible.
The only options are:
1. I move there for school.
2. She moves here as an exchange student.
The constraints for me moving there:
1. School and the need for a bachelor’s degree in psychology if i want to go to graduate school there.
2. Health insurance
3. Hannibal and Clarisse
The constraints for her moving here:
1. Her family and being very close to them.
2. Moving here through her school’s exchange student program.
The constraints of either of us doing this:
Changing our entire lives for something that might not even work.
That would be the easiest part for me…
