I’ve been working on another lym, which isn’t done yet.  I’ll post it tomorrow. 

Not much is new.  I went to Arianna’s (Rachelle’s daughter) first birthday party and hung out with her family, and of course, Tom.  They’re going to buy a house together and she isn’t even divorced yet.  He’s already helping to raise this kid who isn’t even his.  It’s great if it lasts, but if it doesn’t… all hell will break loose, and the situation will be bad.  People just don’t think sometimes.  But hey, it’s their lives, and they make their own decisions. 

It was funny because Ari was so serious during her whole birthday.  You could tell she was analyzing everything.  I looked into her eyes and I could tell she understood me… maybe even better than i understand myself.  Adults often treat kids like lower beings, and forget that they learn at an incredible rate.  Children might not always be able to express themselves, but they sure as hell know what’s going on.

I was sad today driving home from the hospital. 
I almost started crying. 

One step closer to New Zealand.  One week and 2 days left.  Can’t wait.

Above the Trees

Ocean

Staring at the beauty,
Curving momentum
Encrypting imperfections
On the sunset of temptation.
A forgotten premonition
Inciting motivation
For the perfect distraction,
Craving culmination.

- broken_optimist

In The End

An eye for an eye,
Twenty thousand lives for a presumption,
Trading vengeance for redemption.
Clawing for acceptance,
Your hypocrisy extinguished your credibility.

Judgment day is here?
If your lord returns,
Remind him of your lies,
For your arrogance shall be the end,
Of your existence in his eyes.


- broken_optimist

Greg and Karen are in town.  I was an idiot and thought they were coming next week, but it didn’t really matter because i didn’t have any plans anyway.  We just hang out and talked over breakfast, and later over dinner and at a bar.  They’re really happy together.  I’m glad he found someone really sweet and cool.  Their wedding should be fun to go to, even if i have to use up my 4th of July weekend.  However, it won’t be as interesting as Justin and Linda’s wedding.  Joanna is going to be there, most likely with her boyfriend, so it should be pretty fucking weird.  Anyway, i’m going to see Greg and Karen tomorrow for dinner, which will be fun.

I just talked to Viet and found out Billy is getting married.  It doesn’t surprise me, considering he’s been with Amy for 7 years or so.  The funny thing is, everyone from my group of friends thought that i would get married first, then Richmond and Melissa, then Viet, and lastly Billy.  Now it’s looking like it’ll go in reverse order.  Dave wasn’t really included in that mix, but he’ll probably be married before me as well.  I know Jordan will be, for sure.

I saw I <3 Huckabees today and it was frickin’ hilarious.  It was random as hell, but very intelligent, and very philosophical, mainly focusing on the meaning of life. 

Are we all connected with everything in the universe because we are all made of the same matter, or is everything just random chaos and the connections we have are just pure coincidence?  It is nearly impossible to define exactly where one being or event ends and another begins, so that would mean everything is interconnected.  However, if you have an infinite number of beings and events, there will no doubt be connections and relationships just by chance.  If you search for connections, you will of course find them, and if you don’t want to, you won’t see them, so in the end, it’s all about finding out what you believe. 

I have seen too many connections to attribute everything to coincidence.  Maybe it’s the optimist in me, but i think that everyone and everything is bound together.  We are all made of the same matter, being recycled over and over again.  Yes, there may be coincidences, but even in those coincidences, meaning can be found.  I believe everything does happen for a reason.  The reason might be very simple, like: an apple fell from a tree because of the gravitational force pulling on it.  For the most part, things happen for very complicated reasons, based on a long chain of events.  If you can pick out the key points from those series of events, then you can learn to adapt yourself to have a life worth living… 

I hope this all makes sense in the morning.

I didn’t write last night because i had softball, and then i went out with Randor and Jen to Callahan’s for St. Patrick’s day.  Softball was a frickin’ awesome.  I was 5 for 5 with a single, three doubles, and a grand slam.  It was even better than my last homer.  I blasted it over the center fielder, into the left centerfield gap.  He just turned and watched it go.  Damn, that felt good.

Oasis

Suspended over emptiness,
Desperately grasping for a hold,
The viper’s fangs tearing,
Slicing,
Impossibly cold.

Awake me from this trance,
Extract this numbing venom,
To find my frame of relevance,
In this recycled sphere of turbulence.
Eyes open
Clear
Calm


- broken_optimist

Imminent

Notify the confliction
Of my cemented soul;
I am beyond compassion
Since that costly toll.

Encased in expectations,
Devised under pressure,
Only one desire, 
Seductive yet pure.
Only one tomorrow
To anticipate my cure.

- broken_optimist

What am i doing?  Do i have a self-esteem problem that’s being exhibited?  Am i conflicted?  I know she likes me, and yet i still take her to dinner.  It was for her birthday, but still.  She dressed up really nice and did her hair perfectly and everything.  She says it’s because she doesn’t dress up often, so she might as well for her birthday.  How do i tell her again that i like her, but only as a friend?  I’ve already said it before.  It’s not quite true, but if i leave the door open, even a crack, i know she’ll call me on it.  I was stupid enough to teach her that trick. 

“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“It is impossible to think about nothing unless you are contemplating the concept of zero, or the emptiness of space.”

Impulse control.  Is that why i’m doing this?  Is it to prove to myself that i can still stop myself?  I certainly proved that.  I kept thinking about kissing her during dinner.  A deep smooth kiss.  Fucking memories…  Fucking hormones…  Am i fucking with her head?  I hope not.  I mean, i didn’t let anything happen, even though she made hints and subtle moves.  We even went for a walk on the beach, for god’s sake.  I am such an idiot. 

Fuck.

On the way home I listened to:  Exit Music [For a Film], One, and In the Waiting Line, which was quite necessary.

Tomorrow I’m running with Amanda and playing soccer during lunch.  If i don’t, i am liable to implode.