Phobias…  On rare occasions i experience vertigo when looking over the edge of a cliff or a balcony, but i wouldn’t say that i have a phobia of heights.  Public speaking, on the other hand, i will do anything to avoid.  It makes me nervous, just thinking about it.  I attribute my fear to being teased in elementary school.  Kids making fun of my hair cut and the fact that i didn’t wear nike shoes, made me really self-conscious and lowered my self-esteem.  Now i absolutely hate being judged, and therefore i don’t like to put myself in situations where people can analyze me.

But one of the things i’m afraid of, which i was never really aware of until recently, is the ocean.  I love photographing the water, and watching the waves crash into the shore, but the thought of going swimming in the ocean always bothered me.  I knew that i didn’t want to try surfing and my first thought was: it’s because sharks freak me out.  When i was a kid, i was a bit disturbed by the movie Jaws, as well as by the facts i learned about sharks.  They are some of the most effective and durable killing machines that have ever evolved through natural selection, and have been around for over 350 million years.  All you have to do is look into the black eye of a great white shark to know that these creatures are from an ancient world.  The thought of running into a shark while snorkeling terrifies me, but there was always something else that bothered me.  And now i know what it is. 

During a trip to Florida with my family, my father and i were walking along the beach.  I was only four years old at the time, but i do remember feeling a stabbing pain in my foot.  My first thought was that i was pinched by a crab.  It turns out i was stung by a Portuguese man of war, a brutal type of jelly fish with really painful stingers on it’s tentacles.  Anyway, i associate going into the water with pain, and i’m pretty damn sure that’s the reason.  It sounds weird when i think about it, but i really do anticipate a sharp pain when going into the ocean.  I doubt i’ll ever go scuba diving.

Did i mention that great whites can fly?

Photograph taken by Chris Fallows and published in National Geographic
For more info about flying great white sharks and amazing photos click here.

An interesting philosophical question came up during hplc training, of all things.  The
question was:

Would you want to experience the best of anything, knowing fully well that you would never be able to experience anything better?

My first reaction was: of course i want the best, because there’s nothing better.  But if you really think about it, after you have the best you won’t ever find anything better.  Let’s say you have the best tasting cookie in the world.  After that cookie, none of the other cookies will live up to your expectations.  For the rest of your life you’ll crave that cookie, but all you will ever be able to have are mediocre to good cookies…  never the best…

Luckily this doesn’t hold true to life.  It’s not about having the best of anything, it’s about experiencing different things.  There isn’t a straight line in which you can plot the worst to the best.  It just isn’t that simple.  Everything is subjective.  People change their minds day to day based on what’s going on in their lives, so it becomes impossible to stay consistent in saying what is best.  Therefore, the question can only remain hypothetical. 

There is always something better.

Yesterday i was an idiot.  I completely forgot Nicole’s birthday, despite the fact that she called me at 11:30.  This morning i remembered so i called her and left a message before i saw her at softball.  She wasn’t even bothered by it.  I mean, she gets me a great gift (a Swedish massage that i still have to make an appointment for), and i forgot hers.  I got her a gift certificate to Bath and Body Works, and she was very happy, but i still feel bad about forgetting.  I’m so bad at remembering friends’ birthdays.

I’m so tired from getting up early for hplc training, and then playing softball.  I was exhausted, but i hit a triple, a double, and a homer. weeeeeeeeeee!  I also caught 6 or 7 fly balls, including one in which i through out a person at first for a double play.  Go me!  Some chick on the other team said, “He catches everything.  Someone shoot him in the head.”  I’ll take that as a compliment.  Tomorrow is more training, but it should be over by 3, so i can come home, go grocery shopping, clean up, and get ready for my baseball fantasy draft, which is Saturday morning.  It looks like i’m gambling Saturday night with Jane, and i told Nicole i’d take her out for a birthday lunch on Sunday if she’s free.  But for tonight, all i see is a shower and sleep.

Quote of the day:
from The Big Lebowski

Nihilist #1:  We believe in nossing, Lebowski!  NOSSING! 
The Dude:  Jesus Christ.
Nihilist #1:  And tomorrow vee come back and we cut off your chonson.
The Dude:  Excuse me?
Nihilist #1:  I say…  VEE CUT OFF YOUR CHONSON! 
Nihilist #2:  Just sink about zat, Lebowski.
Nihilist #1:  Ya, your viggly penis, Lebowski.
Nihilist #2:  Ya, and maybe vee stomp on it and squoosh it Lebowski!

All i could think about today was going to New Zealand.  They are getting all serious at work, with all these “important” projects and if things don’t get done, people are going to be “fired”.  Meanwhile, i’m thinking… damn, i can’t wait to get out of here.  Only 3 more weeks. 

All of the politics and shit, are making me feel even better about getting out of biotech, and into something new.  The, science is awesome, but everyone is being a drama queen about the stupidest things.  I think it’s because of the big business mentality of conforming and staying conservative, when in reality, it’s the risk takers who make all of the great discoveries.  This is what happens when you work for one of the biggest companies in the world.  I guess they do some good in the world, but God, i gotta get out of here.

Sore throat
Sick and tired
New passport
Inspired

Gotta Get Away

The real reason i can’t get a girlfriend…

One Way

A plastic routine
Laden with time-killing
Head drumming
Brain swelling

Spinning in circles
To find what was in your eyes.
Climbing the tallest tree
To see if I can still fall.

There is another way out.

- broken_optimist

Remain

What will you do
With your instilled destiny,
And blind allegiance to manipulation?
Smile and nod.
Smile and nod.

Become a slave
To your imperfections
And self-inflictions.
Cover it up
Swallow it down.

Consume away your fear
To pass away the time.
You better pray for something better
For the end is fucking nigh.

- broken_optimist

Yesterday had mixed results.  I was so damn tired from lack of sleep, and lack of eating.  Pretty much everything is making me sick.  It has been a week now, and i’m pretty sure it started with the pizza from work.  Today i’m going to get some pro-biotics (bacteria) so that i can get some good bacteria in me.  Fucking ulcers. 

On the flip side, softball was fun, especially because i played well and we won.  I had a double, a line shot to shortstop, and a homer.  Damn did that feel sweet.  I didn’t even swing that hard, but i placed it perfectly in the left-centerfield gap with more power than i thought.  There is nothing better that hitting a ball hard on the sweet spot of the bat.  It’s one of the best feelings in the world, plus watching their outfielders chase after it as i run the bases just adds to the adrenaline rush. 

It was raining outside when i came back to lunch.  What a nice surprise when you don’t watch the weather report.  A lot of people love the sunshine, but me…

I’m only happy when it rains.