I have to get back to school.  To set me on this path, i am really going to start reading more.  I’ve said this many times, but this time is different.  I am going to read every night for at least an hour or two.  It’s now in writing, so i’m going to have to do it.

This morning i woke up with a cat lying on me (Clarisse), and another cat eating photographs (Hannibal).  He wasn’t eating them because he wanted to chew on paper and he just happened to come across some photos.  He was eating them because the chemicals on the photo taste good to him.  I know this because i have caught him ruining several photos by licking and chewing them to death.  Frickin’ ridiculous cat.

Quote of the day:
From Ghostbusters II (not such a great movie, but it does have some great lines)

Janine:  “You’re very good with children.”
Louis:   ”Thanks, I practiced on my hamster.”

I had another weird dream last night.  I was transporting a mini aircraft carrier over land, by pulling it (don’t ask) to a man made lake.  With me, was this beautiful girl who was really nice.  We got to the lake and pulled the carrier into the water.  Then for some reason, i remembered my grandmother dying, but not by natural causes (which is how she really died), but by being eaten by a giant great white shark that was in the lake (which of course, doesn’t make sense considering they need salt water.  Maybe the man made lake had salt water… anyway…)  I knew to be careful in the water because of the shark, but the girl i was with, was attacked without warning.  She was being thrashed around while i was left helpless to do anything but save myself.  Then my dad showed up and told me that the girl was my sister, which is weird considering i don’t have a sister.  It’s even weirder because i have had multiple dreams in which i had a sister. 

When i found out she was my sister, i was somehow able to go back in time, before she was attacked, so that i could warn her not to go into the water.  She actually listened to me, which is very strange because usually no one listens to me in my dreams.  The lake was then dried out by the caretakers of the lake so we could get the carrier out of the lake.  (Why the hell did we pull it all that way only to take it back?).  There was a dolphin, a whale, and a shark tied down in the dried out lake so that they wouldn’t flop around.  I was only worried about the shark.  Then the lake started to fill back up with water, so my sister and i had to act quickly to get the aircraft carrier out before the shark ripped us to shreds.  It was swimming around trying to get us, but we were able to pull out the carrier and get to safety. 

What does this mean?  I don’t know.  Maybe i feel like i have a lot of weight to carry, for something that seems pretty pointless.  Do i feel like i’m in danger?  Maybe the shark represents death, and it’s closer than i thought?  A reminder of the ulcers that are making me feel sick for a week straight?  It could mean anything…  However, dreams almost always mean what you think they mean, because after all, they are created by your thoughts and feelings.

I got tickets to a second performance by Nine Inch Nails today.  May 30th baby!  So now i’m seeing them at Coachella and in San Diego.  These tickets are going to be hard to come by considering the venue is so small (Soma, capacity of 2300) even though they’re playing back to back days.  It’s gonna be so frickin’ sweet.

http://www.nin.com/tour/index.html

I didn’t take this photo of TR but i altered it to get it just right.  I’m going to draw it too. 

                                      More Inspiration

Pain.  The word itself reminds me of so many different experiences.  Most of the time, people forget that it is there for a reason.  Pain is an evolved part of our nervous system designed to teach us.  It is often thought of as a negative “feeling”.  However, without pain, you wouldn’t learn to avoid bad relationships, or to not stick your hand in the toaster, or to keep your face away from the polar bear cage. 

So pain is important.  It can be an indicator that something is wrong with your body, but more often than not, it means: stop whatever the fuck you’re doing because it’s causing you damage .  How sad that nobody seems to recognize this… including myself. 

Pain, can even feel good. (no, i’m not into S&M)  It can be a reminder that you are alive, and that you can still feel something.  I wouldn’t recommend making pain the most important part of your life, but don’t forget that there is a purpose for it.  Learn from it.

Evolve.

                               Black Friday

Self Portrait

Yesterday i went to dinner with Nicole and we discussed many topics, but mostly just one: friendships and relationships between men and women.  Her innocence is something that a lot of guys look for in a woman.  She believes whole-heartedly that everyone is good deep down, even if they do something wrong (over and over again).  She forgives people for just about anything without addressing the problem.  I was busy trying to convince her that some people just aren’t worth your time.  You don’t have to be mean about it, but who really wants to try and carry a conversation with a close-minded, hypocritical, right-wing, religious jack ass?  I mean, these are the type of guys she hangs out with.  There is one guy who she works with who wanted to hook up with her, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, who she is friends with.  Then there’s the supposed “friend” she’s had for 3 years who asked if he could kiss her on one occasion, and on another, unzipped his pants (after being denied a kiss again) and said, “he wants a little kiss too”.  I mean, come on.  What a fucking asshole.  Who are these people??

I think it’s the part of her that wants to “fix” everyone, that allows her to remain “friends” with them.  I asked her why she just lets it go.  And she said that it’s because she knows they aren’t going to try anything again.  Why?  Because now that they are aware that she isn’t interested in them, they have no reason to pursue her.  Bullshit.  They will continue to lust after her until she gives in or tells them off.

At this point, i’m just trying to get her to recognize that guys are going to be attracted to her, even if she doesn’t feel the same way about them.  And for god’s sake, she doesn’t have to stay friends with someone who whips out their dick and asks for a blow job, just because, deep down he’s a good guy.  Jesus christ.  Why doesn’t anyone have to take responsibility for their actions anymore?

There are too many variables in this universe.  It overwhelms me to think about the infinite number of possibilities.  Infinite itself doesn’t bother me in the least bit.  It is the application of infinite that gives me a headache.  The amount of information in the world is unknowable, and no matter how much you learn, you will never even scratch the surface…  (or will you?)  This is why i feel stupid sometimes.  I feel like there is too much information to attain, and what’s the point of studying some of it, if you can’t learn all of it.  It’s this stupid “all or nothing” complex that seeps into my subconscious.

But out of all the possibilities and out of all of the chaos of the universe, certain things came to be.  For one, the earth exists and there is life here.  There are fish in the ocean, cats in the jungle, and birds in the sky.  There are trees to make up forests and grass to make up fields.  There are bacteria in almost every square centimeter of the world.  And for some strange reason, i exist. 

Baseball season is almost upon us… 

                                     Downtown San Diego

Missing Home